Helping Our Kids with the Hard Feelings
What do we want as parents more than to protect our kids from hard things? Nothing. We go to great lengths to be sure they don’t get hurt or feel sad. We are torn up to see them cry and do whatever it takes to make it better. Isn’t that our job as parents?
Yes! But…. One of the jobs we sometimes find the hardest {and often avoid as a result!} is teaching our kids how to cope with the tough feelings - instead of learning to avoid them. It’s the most important thing we can do but the most often missed! When they are little and they have a big feeling, it’s easy to make it go away: we give in, distract, and remove all objects that can potentially cause a tantrum. But, then, when they’re bigger we expect them to suddenly know what to do with that overwhelming emotion? That’s not how it works.
Let’s remember a few things that help our kids learn to cope:
Big feelings aren’t forever
When my two-year-old starts to scream and the tears are pouring I remind myself it will be gone in a minute or two. And then I…
Show compassion
I hold him until the wave passes. This way he knows I’m there for the tough stuff. And feelings that are validated are easier to manage!
When big feelings are on, our thinking brains are off
I think of it as an alarm bell. When emotions are flowing and that alarm is sounding our kids can’t hear, think, or learn. Instructions we give them when they’re upset will not be heard! Help with turning down the emotion and THEN talk it out.
Label it
“Wow, you’re really mad that you couldn’t have the toy.” “It looks like you got frustrated because that didn’t work the way you wanted it to.” “You seem really disappointed that you had to stop.” Somewhere in those little brains, a connection is forming. “Oh! When I feel like that it’s actually anger!” That makes sense.
Give and show strategies
And not just “calm down”. Calm down how? Teach them to turn the body down and manage the storm feelings can create. Take big breaths or get all the anger out with a harmless shout. Whatever works! But remember not to just talk the talk - kids learn the most from seeing what we ourselves do with our feelings, so we must model healthy regulation.
Talk about next time
“Next time we are feeling sad, we will try this together.” “Next time we are feeling mad, you come tell me before you hit out.” Then, next time {because there will be a next time… Rome wasn’t built in a day!} you help them in the moment with the new strategy you talked about.
And remember in the moment… This is hard
But it’s important. I might argue that learning to manage big feelings in a healthy way is the most important thing your child can learn. And how wonderful is it to be the one to teach them!
You got this!
This post was written by wellbe’s social worker Shannon Deacon. If you or your children are in need of additional resources or assistance, you can book a virtual visit with our social workers here.