This New Life: A Perspective from New Mom
Photo by Jenny Diaz Photography
I remember, just a few days after my son was born. Sitting on the couch, him asleep on the breastfeeding pillow on my lap; my phone buzzed with a friend wanting to say congrats. Hesitant to answer for fear of waking the baby, but at the same time desperately needing to answer- I swiped and put the phone to my ear. Hello!! Ohhhh I am so happy for you! Thank you, I said. So tell me, she said. How are you doing, aren’t you just LOVING being a mom?
Hmm. I didn’t expect that question. It caught me off guard. Umm yes, of course, it’s so great. Yah, I love it. I really love it.
Putting my phone away… I thought: Oh no. I’m supposed to love it already? I don’t even know what I’m doing. I didn’t think about ‘loving my life as a mom’. Do I love it? I had been so caught up in the day to day, the struggle to get him to latch, and the sleeplessness consuming me.
All I really wanted to do was to wash my hair. The last four days felt like a lifetime. Well, it was a new life, in every sense of the word. The other part of her question that stayed with me was that she used this word: “mom”.
So that’s me now? I’m a mother. I tried that word on myself. It felt a little weird. To be honest, 3.5 years later and two kids in; it still feels a little weird. But in that moment on that couch, I really didn’t like it. That question opened up so many questions inside of me. Questions around identity, around how I felt about this new life- about how I was supposed to feel about this new life. Of course there were amazing moments along with the tough times and uncertainty- there still are. Thankfully, the mental health practitioner in me was useful in navigating some of these questions, navigating the ups and downs. My search for acceptance and peace among the confusion in my mind was fueled by research, connection and a desire to understand what the heck was going on.
So what helps?
There are a few things I’ve learned - through my own experiences, or my practice working with other new parents, and through my research:
There’s a lot that comes with being a parent that people don’t really talk about. It doesn’t mean that you’re doing it “wrong”, and it’s likely that everyone else is experiencing similar things.
Accept the clashing emotions. There are a lot of really beautiful, wonderful, euphoric moments with these tiny little humans! And there’s a lot of stuff that comes up that makes you question who you are, what you’re doing, and even have thoughts about why you decided to create these beings. That’s OK. They do not dictate who we are or our worth. These contradictory feelings are normal, and the more we can be open to and about them, the more we can accept them as they are and feel less ashamed and alone.
Connection. Find people who speak openly! Find the courage to stop the traditional narrative yourself…often by doing this you will open the gateways for connection with others who are afraid. When I whispered to a friend that part of me missed my old life and she responded that she had also been questioning her new identity… what a relief to know I wasn’t alone.
Having strong emotions, crying, or feeling nervous sometimes are not problems in and of itself. The problem arises when these things start to affect your overall well-being. Is your worry all-consuming and affecting your ability to make decisions and causing ongoing distress? Are you crying frequently, and is it affecting your experience with your baby? If you don’t feel well and your level of distress seems consistently high, it may be a good idea to reach out to a professional for support.
Cultivate mindfulness in parenting and re-connect to your own values. Take some time to sit with the emotions that come up for you, noticing them without judging yourself for them. Give yourself some space to explore what is really useful to you in this world of information overload. What feels good to you vs. what others are saying you should be doing as a parent?
As always, if you are struggling to make sense of life after baby; of your identity, balancing work and kids, or navigating relationships with partners, parents and friends, don’t hesitate to reach out- book your complimentary consult to see if therapy is right for you.
This post was written by wellbe social worker and therapist Caitlin Beukema, MSW, RSW.