How to -- Really -- Talk to Our Teens
It's no secret that adolescence can be a challenging time. Our teens experience a great amount of change at a faster pace than any other stage of development and the awareness of it can lead to insecurity about who they are and where they belong. Let's not forget that our teens may also be experiencing challenges with friend groups, romantic relationships, and academic pressures; and with the ever-growing pressure of social media to uphold a level of "having it all together" it can be an overwhelming time.
But here's the good news: we were also teenagers once!
This means we can relate to the challenges and the joys of exploring this new stage. As parents and caregivers, it can be really difficult to know exactly what to say or how to say it, and there are moments when our teens don't exactly want our advice. And that's okay! In this stage of development, adolescents' main goal is to figure out who they are and where they belong. As parents and caregivers, we'll notice that our teens are trying on a few different hats by way of academics, friendships, clothing, music, movies, hobbies, and food.
And communication? It may seem impossible to communicate effectively with our teens because of the level of intensity that may follow our attempts to understand their feelings. Here are some helpful tips for communicating with our kids during the adolescent years.
Keep these tips in mind to help you connect with your teen(s):
Manage Your Emotions
Emotions run high and sometimes we can be accused of not understanding. Don't take it personally. We can't communicate effectively if we are escalating-- it is a recipe for disaster. Remember, our kids may not know how to make better decisions and supporting them by being objective and suggesting alternatives can be a great way to navigate resistance.
Meet Them Where They're At
Do you want advice, or do you want to vent? We will have opportunities to support our teens when they come to us with a problem. As exciting as this is for us, and as much as we want to immediately try to solve their problems with a piece of key advice we were given as teens (although we didn't necessarily take it at the time!), this is where we let them lead. Ask them what they need from us and if they want any advice or if they want to just vent it out! When we show up as a team member, they're more likely to feel supported and safe.
Validate, Validate, Validate
Their experiences are all new and feel incredibly real; and when they tell us they feel anxious about something, or we notice that their emotions are running high, they could really use someone to take a deep breath with! Validation statements like “That sounds really frustrating/upsetting/sad” “I think I would feel that way, too” “I can see this is really upsetting you” and “How are you feeling about all of this?” can help them explore their feelings with you. Validation also normalizes experiences and navigates us away from telling them how they should be feeling.
Ask!
Start a conversation with your teen! Ask them what's new, what's happening in school, how their friends are doing, and if they have anything coming up that they're looking forward to. As parents, we can tend to live by the I'm-not-your-friend-I'm-your-parent motto and while this works in the realm of consequencing and expectations, it doesn't need to exist here. It can be hard to ignore what we see and hear on the news and in the media and opening up the floor for our teens to explore some of these topics, even if they don't fully understand, is a great way to encourage them to process it with us in a safe space. If we ask and we don't get any answers, that's okay, too! They'll come to us when they're ready to share and process.
Making Time
It's no secret that life is busy. Relationships are work and require a lot of patience and emotional output. And much like the practice that we need to nurture our relationship with our significant other, we must do the same for our relationship with our kids. Adolescents need this time with us, even if they don't say it. Collaborate with your teen and set aside a day in the week for quality time-- time that only you and them share. This is a great way to check in and continue to strengthen the relationship. It's also a great way to naturally boost our oxytocin levels which increases feelings of happiness! Nurturing our relationships with our teens, even on the tough days, is key to forging strong, healthy, and safe relationships as they grow into young adults.
Being a parent is never an easy task at any stage and sometimes we just need to take a step back, take a deep breath, do some self-soothing and try a different approach. Tip: asking our children what they need from us in those tough moments can also be a great way to help them explore what works best for them in moments of distress.
This post was written by wellbe’s social worker Tiffany Lewis. If you or your teen are in need of additional resources or assistance, you can book a virtual visit with our social workers here.