We’re Not Done. Not Even Close.
Let’s start by owning it.
Two very white white Social Workers are authoring this blog post.
Privilege.
We have had the privilege of birthing our babies with ease; the privilege of sending our sons off to school without warning; the privilege to access post-secondary education and careers without anyone second guessing us; the privilege to negotiate our salaries at every job offering; the privilege of feeling safe and comfortable in our skin. Despite each of us having our own unique family experiences of racism, we’ve seen how people of colour amongst our white families are treated. We’ve witnessed their tears, their hiding, their fear. We were privileged in witnessing their experiences from the outside.
We know that it takes work to dismantle racism and to authentically embody anti-racism in our values, identity, family life, work culture, and daily life.
We’re similarly hearing from clients (black, white and POC) about what this is bringing up for them over the past couple weeks, how to navigate guilt and shame, and how to exist in a world, and or body, where it may not feel safe and in fact threatening.
We:
Invite our community to check in with yourself and your nervous system. How can you settle your nervous system as a means of setting you up to do the important work? Having a conversation about race with family can be stressful. Unlearning can feel challenging and can ignite our sympathetic nervous system “fight or flight” response - we want you to do this work, we need you to do this work. There are many resources out there on what to say, however, to do this work, we must slow down and tune in. Give yourself room to process.
Invite parents to unpack their experiences of racism, from all aspects. To start the dialogue and open up the conversation. Hear what your young ones are saying and create space for their thoughts and feelings. Listen to what grandparents are saying, create space for dialogue, for unpacking of stories or beliefs that may feel incredibly rooted in the system and harmful. Settle your nervous system, again.
Invite couples to discuss their individual experiences as parents while existing in biracial families. Why is the black parent having the conversation with the kids about George Floyd and not the white parent? Can you begin to challenge and reflect your own themes of communication amongst your family?
Invite in the folks who feel so deep and stuck in guilt & shame. Our team of therapists are here to offer the idea of “permission” to do the thing you’ve felt you’ve needed to do, but perhaps too scared to do so.
We invite our community to continue the work that was started just a few short weeks ago.
Our team at wellbe is committed to creating change for the Black and Indigenous community as we move forward and actively fight against racism.
We’re just beginning to do the real work.
This includes challenging one another safely, holding each other accountable, using our communication channels as platforms to be heard. We’re bringing in experts to teach us more on Anti-Oppressive healthcare, reading, processing and re-reading. We will interrupt and mobilize our community to engage in anti-racism living.
We know that our clients and community at wellbe hold power, love, compassion and wisdom. We know our community, and what each and every one of your bodies and brains are capable of. We invite you all to support one another in bringing about systemic change: in your life spaces- work, school, home, in the park, on a drive in the car, at the TTC stop.
To start, here are some tools to support you and your family to propel forward:
1. Invite (be mindful, notice your vulnerabilities- are you tired, hungry, overwhelmed?)
Invite family of all ages into the conversation of Race
Invite thoughts, feelings, experiences, truth, honesty and vulnerability
Invite and create space with the intention of holding curiosity
Examples:
“Mom, remember that black colleague you worked with, what was your relationship like with her?”
“Do you notice that when Marcus raises his hands on the class zoom calls he rarely gets picked, what do you notice about that?”
2. Repair the relationship (if possible):
Acknowledge if the family member does not agree or see it your way
Acknowledge that based on X,Y,Z, that it is challenging for them to see it this way, and that it means a lot to you if they could demonstrate willingness to learn and listen.
Accept how a person is feeling (validate their emotions) while asking for change, setting a limit, and clearly communicating an expectation. Validating does not mean that we agree with the person's viewpoint, but that their emotions are valid for them.
For example, “I hear that you feel angry and upset about me bringing this up- having these conversations are challenging. It’s really important that our daughter understands and treats Black people with kindness, respect and equality. I would like for you to consider this further as I know that you want the best for our daughter. My priority here is that…… “
3. Responding to The Urge to Disengage:
If resistance shows up, as it can, notice how you feel. discouraged? hopeless? angry? disappointed?
Address the system in place that is perpetuating the problem. Why is this problem continuing to exist? Get to the source.
For example, if you address it with a teacher, and you're met with resistance, connect with Administration or the Ministry of Education. This is how we can contribute to dismantling systemic racism.
There is no roadmap for this. We’re all fumbling through. Part of moving forward is an interplay of dismantling our inner worlds, beliefs and stories with the larger picture actions- the doing, the dialoguing, the activism: in all of its forms.
We need curiosity. We don’t need perfection.
We need compassion. We don’t need shame.
We need to be challenged. We don’t need defensiveness.
May we move forward with curiosity, compassion, reflection, resistance, revolution and healing.