How Do We Talk to Our Kids About Tragic Events?
Over the last year and a half, not only have we been dealing with the fear, stress, and sheer exhaustion brought on by the pandemic, but we’ve also witnessed and become aware of many tragic events around the world and very close to home. As adults, we find it difficult to get our heads around how such tragedy and injustice can occur, and can continue to occur, right under our noses. If it’s hard for us as adults, it’s hard for our children as well.
Talking to our children about these events is important and will lay the foundation that will allow them to open up and navigate these unsettling waters now and in the future. But how?
Here are a few suggestions and ways to open up the dialogue and start a conversation with your kids:
1. First, educate yourself as best you can so you have a good understanding of the impact the event or injustice has had on the community so you can more fully and confidently answer questions your children might have.
2. Bring up the conversation at a time and place when there are fewer distractions and you have ample time to get into the matter. Talk about it when you and your child have the energy to do so.
3. Begin the conversation by asking general open-ended questions that don’t predict or suggest an answer. That is, you can ask “how are you feeling about what we heard about on the news?” or “what have you been thinking about since we heard about what happened?”.
Although asking a question such as “are you scared by what happened?” is in fact more direct, it may influence their answer and also will only give you a yes or no answer thereby cutting the conversation short.
4. After you’ve asked, then listen. Let your child tell you everything they want to say before interrupting them even if you’re worried that what they might think they know is wrong. Let them tell you what they believe, how they learned it, and how they are feeling about it. Allow them to finish their thoughts before saying anything.
5. Respond after listening. You may be surprised by what your child is concerned about but that’s okay. When responding, do so by talking about simple ideas and concepts that they can handle at their age and stage of development. Try not to overload them with a lot of information or even solutions. If they have questions and you don’t know the answer, simply tell them that. Saying “I don’t know” is totally fine and it gives you both an opportunity to find out the answer together.
6. If what they’ve told you needs correcting or adjusting, help them to distinguish between what the facts are and what they might be guessing. If they say something that is untrue about a community, a generalization, a stereotype, etc., it’s important to address that in a way that gets them thinking rather than feeling like they’ve done something wrong. But nonetheless, it’s important to address it.
7. Tragic events can scare all of us and our children are no different. Not talking about the topic might send them the message that it’s not okay to talk about the issue and it’s not okay to talk about our feelings. If you start the conversation now, it can help them open up in the future.
8. Remember that one tragic event could remind your child of something else in the past that could be related or unrelated. Keep this in mind when you’re talking to your child.
9. The last thing to remember is that if your child is not interested or saying they do not want to talk at the time you try to bring it up, simply acknowledge that it’s okay and reassure them that you’re always here to listen and talk about it if and when they want. You can always try to bring it up another time to see if they are ready then.
Remember, each child processes tragedy differently and there is no right or wrong. Speak with a calm tone, using words your child will understand, and in a way that shows your child that you can handle the topic and what they have to say about it.. Create a safe environment for open dialogue and actively listen as they speak.
Here are a few resources that may help your family during times of tragedy
This post was written by Claire Molloy, RSW, MSW - wellbe social worker /child + adolescent therapist. If you’re in need of additional resources or assistance, you can book a virtual visit with Claire or one of wellbe’s social workers here.